To Carlton “Slugger” White II and Whomever Else It May Concern:

I stumbled across the job posting for Rules Referee at LIV Golf and hereby submit my name for your consideration. I’ve long believed that what’s missing from the highest ranks of professional golf is house music, so the chance to enforce the rules of golf to the backdrop of Diplo sounds almost too good to be true.

While other kids my age had posters of Tiger Woods and Peyton Manning plastered on their walls growing up, I proudly displayed a Mike Davis fathead in my room that I’d greet every morning by reciting an obscure rule of golf. Where others see construction sites along the roads or concession stands at music festivals, I see areas from which professional golfers would demand TIO relief. Simply put, I was born for this position.

Though I have no formal training or experience as a rules official, I do have extensive experience posting broadcast footage on social media whenever there is a rules infraction or egregious instance of TIO relief, which happens frequently on the corrupt PGA Tour. Given the lack of fan infrastructure at most LIV events, I trust that we share a vision for a TIO-free future of golf – a vision I am deeply committed to bringing to fruition. Call it my Vision 2030.

As outlined in the job description, my duties would include course setup, along with painting penalty and out-of-bounds areas. If I am selected for this position, I assure you there will be more than a fair share of internal OBs and provocative pin locations during my tenure.

In terms of requests on my end, I will, of course, require my own cart. And though I would never expect the honor of blowing the opening horn for the shotgun start right away, I’d at least like to know that I’m on the path towards that privilege. As a demonstration of goodwill, I’d like a written guarantee that I get to blow the horn to signal all weather delays. My only other request is that, in the event a rules dispute arises involving a member of Cleeks GC, I will need to recuse myself to ensure my fandom doesn’t interfere with the integrity of the rules of golf.

Although compensation details weren’t listed on the job posting, I want to be clear: I do not want or expect to be paid for this position. I would accept the offer purely for the opportunity to spend more time with family, irrespective of any financial considerations. Should you decide to go in another direction with this role, I can assure you that I will handle it like a perfect gentleman.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you,

Joseph LaMagna

This piece originally appeared in the Fried Egg Golf newsletter. Subscribe for free and receive golf news and insight every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.