You hit a certain stage, usually somewhere in the 13-18 year-old range, where you stop caring too much about people recognizing your birthday or needing much fuss over it, usually even preferring no fuss.

Sure, there are some important milestones – 16, 21, 30, 40, 50 – where maybe you want to do a little extra something, but most boys, girls, men, and women get beyond requiring the feting they had at the trampoline park in their earlier years. Then there’s Ian Poulter, who has yet to hit that stage of getting beyond needed attention. He turned 47 on Tuesday.

Poults hopped on Twitter on Tuesday evening with, to put it bluntly, some of the softest shit I’ve ever seen from a grown-ass man on that app.

It’s so beyond the pale of comprehension you would think it’s parody if not for his lengthy history of social media moaning about all manner of things like substandard pool cleaning and his nanny unable to sit in business class. I had a few questions and thoughts about how this made it out into the world and in this form.

  • Why is “Players” capitalized? Self-regard for a group he’s in that he thinks reaches proper noun classification? Grammatical ignorance? An homage to the fifth major? The capitalization scheme is a disaster throughout the tweet.
  • Why this account of all the Twitter accounts on Twitter not wishing him a happy birthday? Why does he care about a disembodied brand Twitter account acknowledging his birthday!?!? What is happening? Why does he care!?! Why does a birthday tweet matter so much to him?
  • Did Sergio first notice the perceived snub yesterday and tip off his quickly triggered twittering teammate? Sergio + Poulter is a potent cocktail of grievance, and the latter is usually the one voicing it in social media realms, while the former does it… everywhere else?
  • Both absolutely did help build the Ryder Cup brand. But he knows that standing is not in good shape at the moment – the present and potentially future of his relationship with that event tarnished by his choice to go to LIV. It looks like the account gave the old HBD to Paul Lawrie and Miguel Angel Jimenez recently. Could they have done so for Poults? Sure. Did he need to tweet about it? No. Is losing the happy birthday tweet the hardest pill to swallow in terms of consequences for his choice to go to LIV? Why does a birthday tweet matter so much to him?!
  • If you have paid any attention this past summer, you would have noticed that LIV is exceedingly vigilant about wishing anyone and anything associated with its endeavors a happy birthday. Their social media does birthdays more intensely than just about anyone. The accounts might exist only to wish people happy birthdays and the rest is all filler. They came in dutifully with the HBD to Poulter. Was that not enough? (An update here — as Jamie Weir noted, LIV was not exactly on top of it and tweeted their wishes some 16 minutes after Poulter’s tweet at Ryder Cup. LIV had come HBD correct the prior day for Sergio and perhaps it was planned or scheduled!)
  • Why did he choose a random tweet of a Francesco Molinari highlight to get off this pop? He saw the “incredible touch” caption and thought it an opportunity to get cheeky?
  • Is Poults the kind of person who requires celebrations for his “birthday week” or even “birthday month”? Is he one of those people?
  • “Unfortunately this says so much.” Indeed, a fitting way to end it. Nothing says more about anyone or anything involved than this tweet.

While writing this, I explained to my inquiring wife that Ian Poulter was mad the Ryder Cup Europe Twitter account did not wish him a happy birthday. She doesn’t really know who that is but she promptly responded, “Is he turning 10?” The just-turned 47-year-old Poulter made $49,833,030 (give or take, who can keep up) on the course, and that’s before linking up with his Majesticks to get some of that LIV loot. But money can’t buy a happy birthday tweet.

Regardless of whatever side you’re on, this is not a LIV vs. PGA Tour issue. It’s an Ian Poulter issue. We’re amused, delighted, incredulous, and appreciative he decided to say something. So we thank you and wish you a happy birthday, Poults.

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